Sunday, 5 August 2007

Laugh-a-lot... lesbian humour

Q: What do you call a lesbian one-night -stand?

A: lickitysplit.

A Coming Out Joke

A young woman, in the course of her college life, came to terms with her homosexuality and decided to come out of the closet. Her plan was to tell her mother first; so on her next home visit, she went to the kitchen, where her mother was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden spoon. Rather nervously, she explained to her that she had realized she was gay.

Without looking up from her stew, her mother said, "You mean, lesbian?"

"Well... yes."

Still without looking up: "Does that mean you lick women down below?"

Caught off guard, the young woman eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative; whereupon her mother turned to her and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under her nose, snapped: "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"

Q. What does a lesbian bring on a second date?

A. A U-haul.

Q: How can you tell if a lesbian is butch?

A: She kick starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

Q: What do you get when you have 50 politicians and 50 lesbians all in the same room?
A:100 people who don't do dick.

Q: How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
A: Even the pool table doesn't have balls.


An old man walked into a bar and ordered 10 shots of whiskey.
The bartender asked, "What's the matter?"
The old man said, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."

The next day the old same man came in and ordered 12 shots of whiskey.
The bartenders asked, "What's wrong this time?"
The old man said, "I found out that my son is gay."

The next day the same old man came in the bar and ordered 15 shots of whiskey.
Then the bartender asked, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The man looked up and said, "Apparently my wife does."

Q: What do you call a lesbian will fat fingers?

A: Well Hung..!!

Q: Why do gay men like to have lesbian friends?

A: Someone has to mow the lawn.

Q: What can two femmes do in bed?

A: Each other's makeup.

There was a young woman from Wheeling

Who claimed to lack sexual feeling

Til a dyke named Delores

Simply touched her clitoris

And she had to be scraped from the ceiling

submitted by Marci, West Sacramento, CA

Q: What does one lesbian vampire say to another lesbian vampire?

A: See ya same time next month.

Top Ten Things Heterosexuals Need to Know About Gay People

10. We didn't invent disco music so stop blaming us.

9. We're not sure about Ricky Martin either.

8. We also didn't invent the color black, but we are in complete agreement that you look better in it.

7. We are secretly glad Anne Heche is back on your team. She scares us.

6. Our so-called "gaydar" does not get us more cable stations or better reception.

5. We think your mini-vans are sooo cute!

4. David Crosby was not Melissa Etheridge's only choice.

3. If he's using two or more hair products at any one time -- yes, he is.

2. If she's won Wimbledon sixteen times, she is too.

And, the number one thing that heterosexuals need to know about gay people is...

1. Relax, we don't want you!

Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A.: Lick-a-lot-a-pus.

Q: What kind of humor do lesbians like?

A: Tongue in cheek!

Q: What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails?

A: Single!

Q: What do you call an Irish Lesbian?

A: Gaylick.

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